SATIRE: On this cupboard swearing-in day, we humbly recommend a set of further personnel that would show useful within the days forward
The announcement of a brand new federal cupboard means a brand new set of job titles, with ministers masking the complete spectrum of insurance policies and priorities on the federal government’s plate.
Trying again on Prime Minister Justin Trudeau’s first couple of mandates, we humbly recommend a set of further personnel that would show useful within the days forward.
Listed here are our hypothetical additions.
Minister of Injury Management and Monitoring the Prime Minister’s Journey Itinerary for Optics Points: This portfolio is busy with recordsdata reminiscent of double-checking the PM’s invites inbox; really studying the Battle of Curiosity Act; and determining who owns the holiday rental or island in query.
Minister of the Center Class and These Working Laborious to Be part of It: An up to date model of the “Minister of Center Class Prosperity” function that might focus even much less on defining the center class and much more on congratulating hard-working Canadians for working exhausting.
Minister of Stopping Democratic Reform and Affiliate Minister of Vote Effectivity: Tasks embody delivering warnings about splinter events whereas determining the minimal margins for victory in key ridings.
Minister of Memes, Distractingly Good Hair and Spilling the Scorching Tea: A brand new function designed to have interaction youth and neutralize the recognition of sure opposition leaders on sure social media platforms.
Minister of Solemnly Accepting Accountability on Behalf of These Really Accountable and Chief Curator of Apologies that Sound Honest: Relied upon for committee testimony, historic apologies, private apologies in addition to non-apologies designed to solid doubt upon who remembered what occasions how.
Minister of Jurisdictional Loopholes, Quebec Expectations Administration and Equalization Relations: A cross-partisan consultative function targeted on pleasing each Quebecers and the remainder of Canada (however principally Quebecers) with the vaguest potential language round constitutional points.
Minister of Exceeding Expectations, Surpassing Benchmarks, Transferring Goalposts and Making Positive That No one Remembers the Defunct Mandate Letter Tracker: A chance to maneuver properly past “Deliverology” into a number of different “ologies” meant to streamline the federal government’s productiveness and improve its use of jargon.
Minister of Reminding the Remainder of the Cupboard Concerning the Existence of Alberta and Different Provinces West of Ontario: The minister would come geared up with maps and pronunciation guides for hard-to-remember locations reminiscent of “Saskatchewan” and “Manitoba.”
Minister of Whataboutism and Wedge Points Administration: A public-facing place targeted on vaccination standing and the memorialization of the Harper authorities.
Minister of Cheerleading, Rallying the Troops, and Protecting Hope Alive After Successive Disappointing Elections: It’s a heck of a job.